ONCE BROKEN, NOW BENT

I look back over my life and think about the testimonies there in the depths. I compared my life to broken pottery, shattered into pieces as it hits the concrete floor. Some pieces of me disappeared into the crevices of the world never to be found again. I never knew how the pottery of my life would come back together and once upon a time I didn’t care. I didn’t view my life as broken. My life was just different than most, but the same as many.

     My life started from the formation of fornication. I was born into the sins my parents were in. I became the object of molestation from brothers’ whose lives resided in darkness. I grew as a child teased, abused and misunderstood. I tried to take my life, hopeless in my environment. I became a teen of anger, resentment and hurt turning these feelings outward to those around me. I grew into a woman who loved hard, yielding the strike of many hands to keep me in their perceived order. I became a woman who was broken. I went into marriage with luggage that was too heavy for us to carry together. He didn’t know how to unpack my past nor I his. The weight of the luggage brought the relationship to its close. The heat of life melted the glue that held us together.

     I’m not telling you this to bring tears to your eyes or for the sorrow that is given because underneath all of the dirt arose a new person. But how? Where did my brokenness stop and my wholeness begin that you now see? Not with self-help (tried, not true and failed; sorry big O and TR), not with some spiritual higher power that I connected with through astrology, palm-readers or the like. Not with “him” being my glue, not with just dealing with my issues or debts. Not through some great understanding of life. Barely through counseling, I was still broken.

     Did someone tell me I was broken? Maybe a time or two. The route I was on was a slippery slope; the bed I lied in had diseases. The depression was now obvious. Yet in my brokenness, I didn’t want to hear what others’ had to say regardless. My ears closed to their advice. I sat in my room shedding the tears of many years in darkness, still I remained broken.

     Yet, while in my brokenness, He helped me to remember Him. I knew of this One since my grandmother had spoken of Him. Was I ready to listen to whom He had now sent? A woman who knew I needed some help out of the darkness? I spent some time in His house, but who was He? Could He hurt me like those of my past? Yet He asked me to trust Him completely and I would be made whole. He said He knew where the lost pieces of my existence were, but He didn’t want to give those back to me. He wanted to give me a new hope, new dream and a new life which wasn’t new to Him. He had already had a plan for me, but somehow I got off course through misdirection. He made promises that I had never heard, but yet they brought comfort to me. He didn’t need to be my glue because I could be whole in Him.

     From the beginning, He didn’t promise that it would be easy. He promised He would be with me for an eternity. There was a life eternal waiting that would reap royal benefits beyond compare if I would hold on to the End. The road has a few weeds, thorns and rocks along the way, but because I would choose to follow Him, I would never be broken again, but now bent.

     I could withstand not doing what I used to do, or being who I used to be; I could be bent but not broken. No more shattered pieces, but I would bend under His mighty hand to shake loose those things that held me from a good life.

     Here I am before you once broken, now bent. You see it takes participation on our behalf when we decide to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Yes, we must work at living for Him through our jobs, children, marriages, ministries and so forth, but we will never be broken again with Him. We can be once broken but because of what Jesus has done on the cross and the power of God, we are now just bent. Bent because God requires some things of us; bent because we must participate without seeing the whole plan. Bent because forgiveness is a must and some hurt may still arise. Even when the being of Fire (Satan) would try and smother us, we can stand with God. Yet never to be broken again.

     The way to have a full life without brokenness is to be made whole by God. The way to find the seemingly perfect mate is to be put together by Him. The way to forgive the brothers’ and even the mothers’ is to bend under the mighty hand of the Most High God. Bending, but never broken.

     So here I stand, making the decision to share again. For me, it means to tell parts of my struggle, tear-drops and pain with all glory going to God. To tell you that I stopped doing ….is only half true. To tell you that I rose above….is only half the story. To tell you that I struggled with drugs and alcohol, yet in my car one morning asked GOD to take the taste out of my mouth is still a partial story. So yes, for you to really see the amazing power of God, I share. The existence that only rose from the depths of Hell, now riding on God’s glorious light because of what Jesus has done. To God be the glory! In Jesus’ mighty name!

     Father, I thank You that I will never forget that only You have caused the hurt to truly dissipate, not just shatter into the crevices of the world. I thank You for what the world calls rising above to some, I call deliverance from God. Unashamedly I’m grateful You don’t have to be glue because what others’ broke, You have made me whole. Father to say that I should not conform? I’m willing! To want to continue to live my own way and not be in the image and likeness of my Father shutters the very bones of my being. Never do I want to return there. I live for You through and through, once broken now bending underneath Your glory. In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Be blessed, Bend but don’t remain broken….

With the Love of Christ,
Dee-Dee McDuffie
dlm/dlm

MY IMAGINATION OF YOU

     As a young adult, it had been far too many times in which my imagination had run wild like horses free in the mountainside only to get me into trouble. It always seemed to start completely innocent of course. I had come across people who made promises of a better life if I would just use my imagination, dream bigger and visualize. “Close your eyes and imagine in your minds eye…” they would say as if it should come naturally to me. It didn’t come naturally to me though, to imagine better days ahead, maybe because of the seared reality of my life that haunted my mind day and night. To close my eyes was to close them in horror. “Use your imagination, let it run wild!” teachers would encourage as if the world could become all I wanted it to be in reality through my own imagination. So here I wanted to come out of the depths of despair, trying to use my imagination to get me out.   Imagining myself on a beach only to realize I had never been to one at that time or even seen one was a bit disappointing. So now what? Search the TV? Read a book and imagine I was there?

      I began by spending time using my imagination in its simplest form, replacing those whom I saw on TV with myself. I became all they portrayed in a one hour episode. Nothing could stop the train once it left the station of my mind. Most times, my train began at the station of soap operas. My grandmother who watched soap operas all day allowed me to share in her television time to keep me quiet.  I became the Young and the Restless, imagining my fairytale wedding and marriage to the perfect man. Always in nice clothes…always happy. I spent some time in reality changing my last name to be the same as the cute boy in class.   I went on to be Wonder Woman and save the world of course while keeping my makeup perfect.

      As I grew into adulthood, my imagination, dreams and visualizations had not become my reality. I had imagined being in the perfect relationship only to be hurt by abusive men. I had imagined being in a big beautiful home only to read the eviction notice left by the sheriff. I imagined being rich only to succumb to a level of poverty. So what happened between my imagination and my reality? The lines between the two blurred. I would become sick to get attention as they did in the soaps or I would portray myself as confident only to reside in low self-esteem. I portrayed happiness only to be deeply saddened. This was my reality.

      I was recently reminded of my past blurred reality as I was speaking with an associate about our imagination and the reality of who God is. “Oh, I don’t believe God is like….and “No, I think he is…” would flow from her lips. We imagine Him a certain way and believe this is who He is, but where does our imagination of God start and where does it end?

     For me,  my imagination created God as someone who looked like Moses with a white robe and white beard, sitting upon a throne like Abraham Lincoln’s statue ready to execute me at the first wrong move.   He had a super deep voice that rumbled the entire nation. I was like a termite looking upon Him ready to be stomped by His foot of judgment!    I imagined Jesus as this poor lonely man that was beat down thousands of years ago because I currently don’t know how to act right. I imagined Him with the thorns and blood dripping half-naked and hanging on a cross for eternity. A view much tainted by television, opinions, corrupt pastors and the sort.

     But was this God’s reality? Was this view of God from my imagination correct? And did I need to play sick to get His attention?

     When God saved me and I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, He began to shift my imagination of Him to understanding who He really is. He also shifted my created imagination of my life and gave me hope for reality in Him. My daydreaming became goal setting as His plan for me began to be revealed, first through His Word. He obviously doesn’t look like Moses, nor is He about to stomp the living daylights out of me! Through proper teaching and study of the Word, I began to understand that God is loving, holy and yes is our Judge, but we are not little termites! We are children of the Most High God!   A God who shows mercy, is patient, kind and gentle. One who will give me attention when I am sick and even when I’m not. One who will give me true confidence because I now know who I am in Christ. Comforting me in the tears of many years to knowing every single hair on my head. The Emperor and Creator of the universe is my Father, no need for me to be Wonder Woman. He has sent Jesus as a living sacrifice for me and yet He rose to victory. He’s not still hanging out on the cross. I mean really? I couldn’t give up my daughter for a trillion dollars let alone for the sins of an entire world. This is God’s reality! The Truth is His Word and His Word is who He is.

      Lord, continue to help me to never allow my imagination to override the truth of Your Word. Let not the wild horses, nor the train of my mind run amuck amongst the mountainside of Your glory. Your Word says that You gave your only Begotten Son that whosoever shall believe in Him shall have everlasting life. Your promises are a delight to my soul and I bring every imagination and thought into captivity and make it obedient to Christ.  I believe You will line my life up with Your Word- blessings, prosperity, favor, delight, peace, power because you have a plan for my life…can we go on Lord? Yes Father, I want Your light to shine so bright within me that one must put on sunglasses to be in the same room. I want others to see Christ so much in me, they ask - who is Dolores? When I come home to glory, I want to hear well done my good and faithful servant, now on with your perfect life.   But first, I want to ask Jesus how in the world did He feed 5,000 people on a two-fish budget and can I try walking on water please? I want to ask Daniel, how big were the lions? And Mary how did it feel to be the mother of the Savior? Lord, does my mansion have central heating and cooling or is the weather always perfect too? How did you get every snowflake to be different? How..... Now that’s an imagination! In Jesus name.

Be blessed,

Dee-Dee McDuffie

Scripture References: John 3:16; Deuteronomy 28; 2 Corinthians 10:5; Jeremiah 29:11