THIS SMALL HOUSE

Joshua 24:15New International Version (NIV)

¹⁵ But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

 

Recently, I had some guests come over and they began to size up my home.  They spoke of how small it was, how the dining room was right here; the living room right there so to speak to its size.  My feelings were very hurt.  As I walked around my home in an instant, I thought – my home is very small.  Maybe I could…I immediately told myself to stop the murmuring. 

I spent a few moments reflecting.  I reflected on the big homes I have resided in - the ones in the wealthiest places of Illinois, Indiana and Georgia.  But what my guests’ then and now couldn’t see were the tears.  The tears of hope for a marriage that did not make it.  The tears from debt and an ever present fear of not having enough.  The tears from indiscretions.  The tears from near death experiences that took a toll on my body.    All of these tears trying to hold on to a façade so that I could appear as if I had “made it”.  Constantly remembering most of my life had been much worse prior to this extended time brought me to thoughts of wanting to take my life.  Hopelessness abounding - a constant severe spirit of confusion and ever present rancid form of denial.               

So are you thinking, it wasn’t all bad right? Right! That’s what gives us hope – the good times. But good times are not the same as God-times.  You can seemingly be on the right path- but still not on God’s path.  Now for me, I was completely discouraged because I now once again had to make the ride home in my car with all of my few belongings in the back.   I began living with one person after another.  Years spent trying to grasp my footing not realizing the underlying cause, nor the damage that had been imbedded in my heart until now.    

When my guests left, I remembered a time right after I moved in here, saying, “Is this all my faith got me?” Tears began to fall.  I was ungrateful, because of someone else’s perception of success.   The years of feelings of inadequacy had now been revealed.    

I found something in this small place that I live in now and the journey to get me here.  I won’t be cliché and say I found myself in this place. Nope! I came to know who I was in Christ years ago.  But I will say I’ve found the power of God on this journey.  I’ve found the magnitude of His grace and mercy – but most of all His love for me.  How when I first stepped out on faith and trusted Him to leave, He became my sole covering, teacher, guide and Father.  He used the first home I lived in with others’ as a vehicle for revealing my purpose and calling. The second home as a vehicle for growth in His processes.  The third of how to handle His people and learning to allow Him to facilitate meekness in me.  The fourth of learning to be bold in my faith regardless of the others’ religious beliefs and lifestyles.  To stand in love towards them and sharpen my character. To remove impurities along the way- to deepen our relationship for another level of trust.  Yet to allow me to be used by Him and leave small deposits in those homes as only He could lead me. 

More so, since that moment of hurt, God has given me quick glimpses of how He viewed what has transpired over the years.  It was years of review He had; reviews of tests passed, attacks endured, heart-felt times of repentance and sacrificial seed sown.  He had seen a young woman who honored Him, not perfect but honoring.  Yes, a quick glimpse of when I daily made my 2” mattress that lay on the floor because I was thankful.  Asking, seeking, knocking - studying – obeying to the best of her ability.  Adjusting my attitude consistently and serving where needed.  Believing regardless of the manifestation of her prayers not happening in an instant.  Years of returning to purity regardless of temptations and her past. Every hour of laying hands to the plow - up for days at a time to make ends meet – yes He reminded of how He views our faithfulness to Him.  Not flawless, by no means sinless – but faithful.   

As I finish this blog, I have to remember, my guests can’t see what God has shown me.  Nor can they see what happens behind these doors of this small home.  Ha! They can’t see where He’s taking me.  They can only see His manifested power by how I live for Him in the present and then they will see what will happen because of that love between Him and me.   And because of that love, His presence, someone recently walked into my home and said, “It’s so peaceful in here, I love it.” Yes, I finally (regardless of the size of my home and circumstances around me) have peace. Thanks Daddy. I love you so much.  “As for me and my house – regardless of its size (now and in the future), we will serve the Lord.” In Jesus name, Amen.

Dee-Dee Lee

ONCE BROKEN, NOW BENT

I look back over my life and think about the testimonies there in the depths. I compared my life to broken pottery, shattered into pieces as it hits the concrete floor. Some pieces of me disappeared into the crevices of the world never to be found again. I never knew how the pottery of my life would come back together and once upon a time I didn’t care. I didn’t view my life as broken. My life was just different than most, but the same as many.

     My life started from the formation of fornication. I was born into the sins my parents were in. I became the object of molestation from brothers’ whose lives resided in darkness. I grew as a child teased, abused and misunderstood. I tried to take my life, hopeless in my environment. I became a teen of anger, resentment and hurt turning these feelings outward to those around me. I grew into a woman who loved hard, yielding the strike of many hands to keep me in their perceived order. I became a woman who was broken. I went into marriage with luggage that was too heavy for us to carry together. He didn’t know how to unpack my past nor I his. The weight of the luggage brought the relationship to its close. The heat of life melted the glue that held us together.

     I’m not telling you this to bring tears to your eyes or for the sorrow that is given because underneath all of the dirt arose a new person. But how? Where did my brokenness stop and my wholeness begin that you now see? Not with self-help (tried, not true and failed; sorry big O and TR), not with some spiritual higher power that I connected with through astrology, palm-readers or the like. Not with “him” being my glue, not with just dealing with my issues or debts. Not through some great understanding of life. Barely through counseling, I was still broken.

     Did someone tell me I was broken? Maybe a time or two. The route I was on was a slippery slope; the bed I lied in had diseases. The depression was now obvious. Yet in my brokenness, I didn’t want to hear what others’ had to say regardless. My ears closed to their advice. I sat in my room shedding the tears of many years in darkness, still I remained broken.

     Yet, while in my brokenness, He helped me to remember Him. I knew of this One since my grandmother had spoken of Him. Was I ready to listen to whom He had now sent? A woman who knew I needed some help out of the darkness? I spent some time in His house, but who was He? Could He hurt me like those of my past? Yet He asked me to trust Him completely and I would be made whole. He said He knew where the lost pieces of my existence were, but He didn’t want to give those back to me. He wanted to give me a new hope, new dream and a new life which wasn’t new to Him. He had already had a plan for me, but somehow I got off course through misdirection. He made promises that I had never heard, but yet they brought comfort to me. He didn’t need to be my glue because I could be whole in Him.

     From the beginning, He didn’t promise that it would be easy. He promised He would be with me for an eternity. There was a life eternal waiting that would reap royal benefits beyond compare if I would hold on to the End. The road has a few weeds, thorns and rocks along the way, but because I would choose to follow Him, I would never be broken again, but now bent.

     I could withstand not doing what I used to do, or being who I used to be; I could be bent but not broken. No more shattered pieces, but I would bend under His mighty hand to shake loose those things that held me from a good life.

     Here I am before you once broken, now bent. You see it takes participation on our behalf when we decide to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Yes, we must work at living for Him through our jobs, children, marriages, ministries and so forth, but we will never be broken again with Him. We can be once broken but because of what Jesus has done on the cross and the power of God, we are now just bent. Bent because God requires some things of us; bent because we must participate without seeing the whole plan. Bent because forgiveness is a must and some hurt may still arise. Even when the being of Fire (Satan) would try and smother us, we can stand with God. Yet never to be broken again.

     The way to have a full life without brokenness is to be made whole by God. The way to find the seemingly perfect mate is to be put together by Him. The way to forgive the brothers’ and even the mothers’ is to bend under the mighty hand of the Most High God. Bending, but never broken.

     So here I stand, making the decision to share again. For me, it means to tell parts of my struggle, tear-drops and pain with all glory going to God. To tell you that I stopped doing ….is only half true. To tell you that I rose above….is only half the story. To tell you that I struggled with drugs and alcohol, yet in my car one morning asked GOD to take the taste out of my mouth is still a partial story. So yes, for you to really see the amazing power of God, I share. The existence that only rose from the depths of Hell, now riding on God’s glorious light because of what Jesus has done. To God be the glory! In Jesus’ mighty name!

     Father, I thank You that I will never forget that only You have caused the hurt to truly dissipate, not just shatter into the crevices of the world. I thank You for what the world calls rising above to some, I call deliverance from God. Unashamedly I’m grateful You don’t have to be glue because what others’ broke, You have made me whole. Father to say that I should not conform? I’m willing! To want to continue to live my own way and not be in the image and likeness of my Father shutters the very bones of my being. Never do I want to return there. I live for You through and through, once broken now bending underneath Your glory. In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Be blessed, Bend but don’t remain broken….

With the Love of Christ,
Dee-Dee McDuffie
dlm/dlm