Joshua 24:15New International Version (NIV)
15 But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”
Recently, I had some guests come
over and they began to size up my home.
They spoke of how small it was, how the dining room was right here; the
living room right there so to speak to its size. My feelings were very hurt. As I walked around my home in an instant, I
thought – my home is very small. Maybe I
could…I immediately told myself to stop the murmuring.
I spent a few moments
reflecting. I reflected on the big homes
I have resided in - the ones in the wealthiest places of Illinois, Indiana and Georgia. But what my guests’ then and now couldn’t see
were the tears. The tears of hope for a
marriage that did not make it. The tears
from debt and an ever present fear of not having enough. The tears from indiscretions. The tears from near death experiences that
took a toll on my body. All of these
tears trying to hold on to a façade so that I could appear as if I had “made
it”. Constantly remembering most of my
life had been much worse prior to this extended time brought me to thoughts of
wanting to take my life. Hopelessness
abounding - a constant severe spirit of confusion and ever present rancid form
of denial.
So are you thinking, it wasn’t
all bad right? Right! That’s what gives us hope – the good times. But good
times are not the same as God-times. You
can seemingly be on the right path- but still not on God’s path. Now for me, I was completely discouraged
because I now once again had to make the ride home in my car with all of my few
belongings in the back. I began living with one person after another. Years spent trying to grasp my footing not
realizing the underlying cause, nor the damage that had been imbedded in my
heart until now.
When my guests left, I remembered
a time right after I moved in here, saying, “Is this all my faith got me?” Tears
began to fall. I was ungrateful, because
of someone else’s perception of success.
The years of feelings of inadequacy had now been revealed.
I found something in this small place
that I live in now and the journey to get me here. I won’t be cliché and say I found myself in
this place. Nope! I came to know who I was in Christ years ago. But I will say I’ve found the power of God on
this journey. I’ve found the magnitude
of His grace and mercy – but most of all His love for me. How when I first stepped out on faith and trusted
Him to leave, He became my sole covering, teacher, guide and Father. He used the first home I lived in with
others’ as a vehicle for revealing my purpose and calling. The second home as a
vehicle for growth in His processes. The
third of how to handle His people and learning to allow Him to facilitate
meekness in me. The fourth of learning
to be bold in my faith regardless of the others’ religious beliefs and
lifestyles. To stand in love towards
them and sharpen my character. To remove impurities along the way- to deepen
our relationship for another level of trust.
Yet to allow me to be used by Him and leave small deposits in those
homes as only He could lead me.
More so, since that moment of
hurt, God has given me quick glimpses of how He viewed what has transpired over
the years. It was years of review He had;
reviews of tests passed, attacks endured, heart-felt times of repentance and
sacrificial seed sown. He had seen a
young woman who honored Him, not perfect but honoring. Yes, a quick glimpse of when I daily made my
2” mattress that lay on the floor because I was thankful. Asking, seeking, knocking - studying –
obeying to the best of her ability.
Adjusting my attitude consistently and serving where needed. Believing regardless of the manifestation of
her prayers not happening in an instant.
Years of returning to purity regardless of temptations and her past. Every
hour of laying hands to the plow - up for days at a time to make ends meet –
yes He reminded of how He views our faithfulness to Him. Not flawless, by no means sinless – but faithful.
As I finish this blog, I have to
remember, my guests can’t see what God has shown me. Nor can they see what happens behind these
doors of this small home. Ha! They can’t
see where He’s taking me. They can only
see His manifested power by how I live for Him in the present and then they
will see what will happen because of that love between Him and me. And
because of that love, His presence, someone recently walked into my home and
said, “It’s so peaceful in here, I love it.” Yes, I finally (regardless of the
size of my home and circumstances around me) have peace. Thanks Daddy. I love
you so much. “As for me and my house –
regardless of its size (now and in the future), we will serve the Lord.” In
Jesus name, Amen.
Dee-Dee Lee
